"Law Partner" - Tim Heidecker
The law partner had been practicing law for over seventy-five years. Since birth, it seemed. His law partner had been practicing for even longer. Yet, he didn't seem very interested in practicing LAW, you see. He was a drummer, all the way.
U will see this fact thru the following dial hog:
LAW PARTNER (tim): "Hey my friend, good to see ya today what . . . what's new man."
LAW PARTNER (jason alexander): "Hey Law Partner. Umm, not bad. Do you mind if I smoke 'a few' cigarettes in here?"
LAW PARTNER: "Are you asking me if I'm cool with you smoking cigarettes in our law office."
LAW PARTNER: "Ummmmm . . ."
LAW PARTNER: "I'm sorry. Please allow me to say that I am NOT cool with it. BUT, it's a free country, still, no thanks to obama. U do what you want. Don't ever ask me that question again."
LAW PARTNER: "Thank."
LAW PARTNER: [rolls eyes] [thinking: "Not this again: pointlessly abbreviated speech that makes him sound even stupider than he even is, no small feat."] "Gonna be a long night."
LAW PARTNER: "What?"
[30 minutes of total silence]
ACT II: LUNCH
The Law Partners are joined by the other Law Partner for lunch. This is a daily routine, as are the three whores who accompany them to their noontime lunch at Amiga Trish, a posh mexican restaurant with an OUTSTANDING reputation (and their food isn't bad either!) in the recently completed Level 2 of Manhattan. By the way, the year is 3434.
LAW PARTNER: "Let's talk business. What is everyone having to drink."
LAW PARTNER: "I'll have my usual tequila on the rocks please."
LAW PARTNER(1): "Ok, we're not gonna be able to use that. Wait until our waiter comes over and then say that."
LAW PARTNER (charl schaffer): "I don't give a FUCK what I'm drinkin, long as it's alcohool. I'm gonna get my grubby, stubby mitts into these whores!"
LAW PARTNER: "charl, these women are RIGHT HERE. They can HEAR you. Please try to be as respectful and restraintful as YOU can."
["charl's" whore stands up from her seat and sits on The Law Partner's lap, actually on top of HIS whore, Aurora Belle (google her - wooooooo mama).]
"charl's" hoor is hmm let's see . . . Ava Sanchez. The boy has 'em both now and right to the minute.
LAW PARTNER(2): "I'm just glad that MY whore didn't walk away!"
[jason alexander's whore, Aidra Fox, immediately stands up and walks away to connect with the Law Partner.]
ACT III (Continued): LUNCH, ACT II
The girls order their drinks and lunch begins.
LAW PARTNER: "Now that we've all eaten, and that I have a throbbing boner from these Tisses on my lap, let's seriously talk business so that I can GTFO of here and menage a quatre these girls."
LAW PARTNER(3): "Ok . . ."
LAW PARTNER: "Shut up, charl. Law Partner, would you like to discuss any business with me? And rest assured, in terms of confidentiality, these whores keep a tight lip, something I LIKE, around my dick!"
[Aurora scoots out from under the pile, unzips the Law Partner's fly, and begins blowing him under the table.]
After the blowjob is complete, the Boys get down to Bissness.
LAW PARTNER: "Law Partner, I'd like to hear more about this new client you have - What was his name again?"
LAW PARTNER: "I forgot."
LAW PARTNER: "You forgot his name?"
LAW PARTNER: "Yeh."
LAW PARTNER: "Okay. Well, that's understandable. But I happen to recall that his name was Laser. Does that ring a bell?"
LAW PARTNER: "Sorry, yes. His name is Lazer. Lazer Haaas."
LAW PARTNER: "You're pronouncing his name wrong. There is no 'Z' in his name."
LAW PARTNER: "I was not."
[The Law Partner kindly asks Aidra and Ava to please get off his lap so that he may put the Law Partner in a chokehold, which he does presently. Think 'Spock fighting Kirk on the bridge of the NCC-1701 in the movie Star Trek.' The only reason the Law Partner doesn't kill him is that he breaks character and cracks up at the sight of charl, sat crying at the table, for God knows what reason. Could be cuz he's afraid; cuz he has small hands and a 'penis' to match . . . any of it.]
As previously told, one of the Law Partners was in a band. Their style was pretty much straight up indie rock. The following conversation took place in dumbo brooklin on March 19th of the year Three Hundred and Thirty-Four (B.C.):
LAW PARTNER: "Alright Alright Alright!!! We're all here [or so it seemed to the law partner]. First things first: does each 'band member' have a keycard to access the shit-covered basement we currently and have always used as a rehearsal/recording space!?"
BRUICE (humanoid dog): Ruff!!
LAW PARTNER: "I'm sorry Bruice but your hair is not law partner-length. You're fired.
BRUICE: Ruff!! [exits.]
The Law Partner's band had been around since the 1970s. Yet, they had yet to break through with a major commercial hit, in the way of luminaries such as Imaging Dragons. But unlike imagine dragons, not every band member was gay, or even human. They had had dozens of names throughout the years, and the only one that seemed to stick was The Jumja Sticks, fittingly, as the jumja stick is a signature Bajoran dessert.
The Law Parter set up his signature double, double kick-drum. It made a bad sound. Not bad in a good way, just bad. It was his entire drum-set.
LAW PARTNER: "Ok, 'Check'. What should we play first? Want to try that new one I wrote?"
CHECK: "Which one?"
LAW PARTNER: "You know, the new one."
CHECK: "Belly-ache Blues?"
LAW PARTNER: "Uhhhh . . ."
CHECK: "Shut up. Fine."
[The Jumja Sticks, consisting of the law partner on "drums" and Check on melodica, play the opening bars of bellyache blues. Theoretically based on a modulation from E Mixolydian to A Ionion, it was in fact not. It was not even a "blues" of any sort. It was also not even, even, any good at all, a fact somehow lost on The Law Partner, even as Check, more than once during the rendition, stopped playing in order to relieve himself all over the floor, splashing hot piss on the Law Partner's drums, and, moreover, his face, as Check was actually standing on the kick drum facing The Law Partner and pissing directly into his face and unreasonably open mouth.]
One thing about the Law Partners' office was that it was directly next to Adolf Hitler's (law office).
LAW PARTNER: [jamming in his office to "Gets Me Through" by Ozzy Osbourne, on laptop speakers at full volume]
HITLER: [opens office door w/o knocking]
LAW PARTNER: "Can I help you?"
HITLER: "Uhhhhh . . ."
HITLER: "Your music is TOO LOUD AND IT'S HURTING MY EARDRUMS!"
LAW PARTNER: "Really."
HITLER: "Your music is TOO LOW, I MEAN TOO LOUD!"
LAW PARTNER: "Ok, I'll turn it off. Thanks for letting me know, Adolf. By the way, how is your law practice going."
HITLER: "Nigh, I mean Nein!!"
[It's leading to tons of actual ones too, which is nice. Like slamming your cock in a car door would be nice.] - Ed. note: DELETE THIS. (Possibly copy/right violation. This is just a warning.)
Every law partner at The Firm (the band) had access to his or her own Firm-issued BMW 325i. However, the Law Partner (tim) did not have one of these. He had a Pornsche Carrera, fully-stocked. He drove it to work everyday, all the way from Shoho menhattan to the Financial TissDrict.
[Make a note here that this ACT is OVER! !]
One day, however, the other law partner (jason alexander) was in a car accident. It was scary because he could have died. Fortunately, it was a one-car, one-"man" accident. Unfortunately, for The Law Partner, what happened was that he parked (illegally) with half of the 'bile on the sidewalk, and in his rush to exit his car and escape punishment for the crime he had just committed, he slammed the car door shut right on his cock. The law partner screamed so loud that people began to look at him, as if to say, "What is this guy DOING over here?" He was trapped. He couldn't move or open the door. Panicking, he attempted to defuse his own embarrassment with humor, doing his best, through the pain, to shout to the onlookers in a comical manner, "A-NO DICE!!"
After that, at the law partners' office, Jason, the Law Partner, called a firm meeting to discuss his new client:
[All three Law Partners are present.]
LAW PARTNER (tim): "Thank you jason for calling what is surely an important meeting in the middle of the workday."
LAW PARTNER (jason): "Uhhhhhh"
LAW PARTNER: "Are you okay?"
LAW PARTNER: "Yeah. Well, I think so. I just smoked too many cigarettes at lunch."
LAW PARTNER: "Gross."
LAW PARTNER: "So uhh, guys, I got a new client." [waits for "Congratulations!", which is not forthcoming.]
LAW PARTNER (continuing): "Tip Top Toys is the name of the client. They sell all-natural hemp products. And I don't know if you guys know this, but hemp can be used to make anything from clothing to furniture. Why is this extraordinary substance still illegal!!?"
LAW PARTNER (charl): "I love hemp! And did you guys know that you can smoke it too?"
LAW PARTNER (jason): "Whoa! We should make some hemp cigarettes to smoke!"
LAW PARTNER (charl): "Oh-boy!"
LAW PARTNER (tim): "Law Partners, let's please try to stick to jason's agenda. I had too many eggs this morning and I gotta take a shit. jason, what legal services are you providing for Tip Top Toys?"
LAW PARTNER (jason): "Wull, actually the guy who runs the company is named Salcroy. I'm helping him to incorporate Tip Top Toys so that he can start selling all of this hemp shit."
LAW PARTNER: "Very nice. And how much is he paying you for this?"
LAW PARTNER: "Actually he doesn't have any money, so he's not paying me any of it. But I don't understand why he doesn't have any money, because he owns Tip Top Toys, which sells hemp, and hemp is SO valuable!"
LAW PARTNER: "Yeh I don't know. But I would suggest you spend days, weeks or months researching "hemp" instead of actually working like a real lawyer would."
LAW PARTNER: "Thank."
LAW PARTNER (charl): "Daddy, can I leave yet?"
LAW PARTNER: "Shut up, charl. Sure, go home, feed your cats and shit yourself."
ACT III (Continued): HOME.
The Law Partner was in love. Maybe for the FIRST time.